I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
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Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
🤣🤣🤣
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.