Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
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there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Deer are just ballerina dogs
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.