“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
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Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
“OMGJK” -atheists
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
is this a warning or an offer?
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?