My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
You Might Also Like
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
*has no idea what a book even is*
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.