My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
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Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”