So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
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*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Traveler’s camo