If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
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families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.