Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
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GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal