COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
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One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review