Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
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How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Sharon, call the vet
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.