*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
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I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE