“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
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I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.