[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
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I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
prepare for carbonated trouble
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Just a phase…
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
I think that’s enough internet for one day…