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Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
my dad when a sex scene comes on
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
the three branches of government
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.