just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
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“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
best first i’ve ever seen
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
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If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.