[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
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ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
My life coach traded me.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.