I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
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i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan