Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
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You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Anyone really
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.