Every damn time
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The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.