I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
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happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”