Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
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I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
“no gods no masters” = leo
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
They’re called werewolves.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
*orders delivery*
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out