I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
You Might Also Like
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”