My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
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Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
People buying plungers never look happy.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)