Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
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LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty