keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
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*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.