Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
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What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
all that yoga finally paid off
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”