are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
You Might Also Like
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
hmmm
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.