[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
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Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.