For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
You Might Also Like
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back