It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
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Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me: