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{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyonc茅 Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I unironically love this joke.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 馃
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
That lamp looks PISSED.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
MY KID: I鈥檓 ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.