[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
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if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
This will teach them to underestimate me
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping