Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
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The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.