[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
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If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”