It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
You Might Also Like
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Cinematography is my passion
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku