My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
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Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.