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Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.