Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
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Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Thursday
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store