my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
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Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
🤣✨#caturday
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.