Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
You Might Also Like
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I drew y’all a little something.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees