I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
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[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
The Compass
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.