Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
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When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
termite twitter scares me
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before