Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
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Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.