A flock of dads is called a grill.
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{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
My typo game is string.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home