This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
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the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
uncle dave has been through hell
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.