Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
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[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
i think both sides are to blame here
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever