Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
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Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
They’re really bad with fonts.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
“Why you watching this shit?”
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Florida be like…
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…