Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
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I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no