How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
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[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Muppet Screams
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.