“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
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me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
🙂🙃🥹
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around